Let me warn you. As soon as your mail carrier delivers that first envelope from AARP, you are doomed. I found a direct correlation to poor eyesight, creaky bones, general aches and pains, and even shuffling just from tearing off the corner of the wrapper.
This was not your normal welcome packet. The Worm, my four-year-old very wiggly granddaughter, says that there are five rules for parties. Number one is chocolate cake. (Her squirminess suggests that chocolate cake is probably number one on several of her lists.) This unsolicited invitation from AARP offered not even a hint of anything sweet. All it did was alert my body of its beginning descent. Since opening the envelope, I move slowly, I get hungry for dinner at four in the afternoon, and my nose drips every time I bend over.
They stamp AARP on everything like an Old Geezer Seal of Approval. (I told my kids not to dare me about a tattoo.) My car insurance policy states in small print that my husband has to wear a hat while he drives and I have to wear eyeglasses that fall down my nose secured by a rhinestone chain around my neck.
The whole idea scared me so badly that I made a droop and drool pact with my friend Joan. I’ll prop her up should she ever be in a wheelchair. And she’ll wipe my mouth when I slobber.
I threw the AARP offer out with the trash when I received something making more sense. Sue Trueblue, who knows how to say things like they are, sent a greeting card with a punch-out badge. The card instructed me to wear it with pride. The badge read, “I damn near survived everything.”
Today I got an advertisement in the mail for Children’s Highlight magazine. I’m feeling much better now.
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