Survival tips for wives of retirees

He nodded. He’d driven an hour each way to work. Any inattentiveness, like not seeing a large moving vehicle behind his car, I’d attributed to ‘weekend brain.’ When his thinking and reasoning had been exhausted, that’s the brain he brought home. Only hours into retirement, and already ‘weekend brain’  I was scared beyond belief.

Day 2: That evening from a distance I spotted a car in MY driveway. Goodbye forever to the excitement of arriving home to an empty house.

My husband looked much the same as he had in the morning with the exception of grayish-silver stubble. He was asleep in his recliner, his t-shirt slightly revealing belly. It was 6 p.m.

Day 3: The new retiree phoned me four times at work. I didn’t count the time he called to inform me Walmart had mouthwash on sale.

I now had a greeter at home. He talked non-stop. I didn’t know that many words could be stored for later use.

Day 4: My line rang at work. Co-workers echoed in unison, “It’s him again.”

Day 5: When I arrived home, my welcome committee of one announced, “I got body shop estimates, bought pajamas, and watched a movie.” He’d never owned a pair of pajamas in all the years we’d been married. “I don’t think retirement’s boring,” he continued, already donning new pajamas. No, not if you keep backing up, I thought.

Day 6: I followed his trail – socks on the floor by the couch, empty glass on the kitchen table, and pajamas on the bed. I asked him to keep his closet organized. He said he did — clean and dirty.

Day 7: “Breakfast is ready,” he shouted. Oatmeal and spinach leaves lightly dusted the kitchen floor. A dirty bowl and dripping spoons rested on the counter.

A fluffy spinach omelet and a bowl of warm oatmeal with fresh blackberries, just the way I liked, sat on the table.

 End of first quarter report: Surprise, surprise!  We’re still married. I’ve changed my business phone to an unlisted number. To occupy more of his time, I’ve removed his name from the telemarketing do not call list.  After an hour, one perplexed telemarketer pleaded for permission to hang up. “How rude!” my husband answered. “You called me.”

 He’s lost his car key. (At least the bumper is safe now). And I’ve gained three pounds from eating a healthy breakfast daily.

 But he’s loving retirement. And who would have ever guessed — I like coming home to someone who’s glad to see me!