The shortened version

My husband talks longhand. “I ran into Tom this morning about 9:30 on my way to get some breakfast. You know, the long term health insurance agent we met when we had dinner out?  I think it was TGI Friday’s, two weeks ago last Tuesday. He must be the life of the party or color blind because he had on an orange shirt and rust colored pants.” My attention was waning. “He knows Norma, my friend in Human Resources, who always wears her hair pulled back into a pony tail. We’ve kept in touch since I retired.”

I talk shorthand. “No,” I responded. I wasn’t sure what I was answering, but that should cover all of the above.  I’m afraid at times my brain is AWOL and has adopted the LIFO method of accounting. My AAADD, Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder, has forced me to resort to drastic shorthand techniques. I now talk like I text, only without the misspellings. Abbreviated sentences give me a better chance at remembering what I was doing or saying without having to walk back into the room I just left.

“Well, anyway,” my husband resumes, “I had a coupon that was going to expire so I had to use it. While Tom and I were chatting, we saw a driver in an Expedition run into an expensive car.”

My inner narrator is wondering, “Did he really have an opportunity to chat back?” Nonetheless, Couponman continues. “He may have been driving under the influence. Not sure, so I picked up a Starbucks for him. I’ll bet his insurance will skyrocket over this fiasco.”

By the time he got to the bottom line, I’d need long term health insurance. And I would have met the ninety day waiting period qualification.

I called Sue Trueblue. “Couponman went on and on about his day.”

“What was his point?” she asked.

“Well, if I understood him correctly”, I said, putting my shortcut communication skills to the test, “my husband was on the way to IHOP with his BOGO coupon when he ran into his new BFF. Some other guy’s ABS brakes failed on his SUV and he tapped the BMW in front of him. Maybe a DUI. I guess Couponman called AAA. Somehow he ended up at Starbucks. Knowing him, he accidentally called AA instead of AAA and the first vehicle to arrive on the scene was a coffee truck. If the DMV raises the poor bloke’s rates, he’ll have to give GEICO an I.O.U. or get a loan from FEMA.”

Later that evening an email arrived in my Inbox. The subject line — R U OK — brazen even for Sue Trueblue’s brutal honesty, took me aback. I grabbed my 99¢ Store reading glasses and shoved them back on my nose. “Whew!” I said out loud.

Sometimes you really do need the long version.

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