After five days of the exercise experience in one week, the only way I could put on my bra this morning was to lay it on the floor already fastened and crawl into it.
The first day I’d gone to the gym, this good looking personal trainer, Brad Pectorals, I think he called himself, helped me with a few machines. Yesterday he strolled over to me like some model from Hunk Beautiful. His ideas for my daily routine irritated me more than my ex-husband had. The harder he worked me, the uglier he became. And to think that just last Monday I had fantasized leaving my husband and running away with him. What a difference five little days make!
He recommended the early morning aerobics class. Eleanor, the eighty-two-year-old aerobics instructor of the Stretch and Strain class, told us to grab the elastic band and place it around our ankle. It slipped off my foot and flung me against the mirror, I cracked it. Sure, exercise changed my life — seven more years of bad luck.
This morning I weighed and I’d gained my reward — literally. An additional three pounds. I couldn’t believe it. Hallmark had a card for everything, so I went there for an answer to the mystery. While the verses didn’t reveal the key to the added weight, I knew the poet had experienced my pain. The front was inscribed with After days of exercise, I no longer struggle to open doors. I opened it and read, I just rip them off their hinges.
While most friends tried to soothe my disillusionment with the jock answer “muscle weighs more than fat,” Sue Trueblue, said it like it was,“You’re getting up at five.”
“Yeah.”
“That explains it,” she stated matter-of-factly. “You used to get up at seven. That’s two extra hours each day to eat.”
I stopped at the mall and purchased a supply of See’s Candy gift certificates. It’s much easier to give my friends chocolate than to exercise. If they’re heavier, I look smaller. Sounds like a solid plan to me.
Related posts:
- On a roll
- I am so sore
- Crash diet
- What’s an imbalanced person like me doing yoga?
- List for the doctor
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I love when I look around the room and think well at least I am not the fattest person here. I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth.
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