I have been a very bad girl

I ate ice cream for breakfast, donut(s) at work on Monday, chips for lunch (and dinner), and it got worse.  You are probably thinking I’m eating crazy because of all the long hours I am putting in at work.  Actually, my birthday is coming up and I’m entitled.  However, I may be in trouble soon.  I may soon only be able to wear stretchy clothes, and I don’t know that stretchy qualifies as business casual. 

Today my friends stuffed me with a lunch out.  It was a treat to see daylight.  I’d been inside all day conducting a full day’s worth of training.

“How old are you tomorrow?” one of them asked.

“Sixty four,” I replied.  That sounded old.  “Doesn’t that sound old?” I asked.  When I’d told my six-year-old granddaughter, she’d said, “Wow, Grandma, that’s a really big number.”

“Not really much older than sixty three sounded,” Janice said.  We laughed.  I tried to name a few people older than I am.  I couldn’t.  I found out even the guy who looks really old is younger than me. 

At the end of the meal I was presented with chocolate brownie.  “Make a wish,” instructed the waitress, “and blow out the candle.”

“I wish this wasn’t chocolate,” I said, with a little smile, putting out the small fire.

“Oh, you don’t like chocolate?”  I nodded.  “How about some bread pudding?” 

Now were talking.  That sounded a lot lighter… not.  What’s not to like — carbs in butter fat.  It’ll sit well with the salty corn chips I have back at the office.

“How much do I owe you?” I asked my friends politely. 

“Nothing.  It’s your birthday,” my friends said in unison.

“In that case, it’s my birthday next week, too.”

P.S.  Janice gave me a beautiful scarf, and instructed me to use a “blindfold on execution day.”  She knows how hard I’ve been working on the firm software rollout.  She also knows I am on the front line and will be blamed if things don’t go well.  As I walked in to resume training, I pulled the new scraf tight around my head like a blindfold.  Now I’m prepared.  Thanks, ladies.


Posted in friends, humor | Tagged

Ay ay ay

The crack of dawn slapped me on the side of the head to get me going.  Then I smacked my barely-alive monitor on its side to keep it from dying.  I haven’t been posting very much, because I haven’t been doing much of anything except working.  I think like 65 hours overtime this week.  Okay, that may be a stretch, but probably only by 2 hours. 

I’m in charge of the iManage, iCreate, iScrub, iHyperstyles, and iDocid software rollout here at work to 250 users in seven offices.  For us gringos, I call it the ay ay ay ay ay  rollout.  I’m dedicated because I have a goal.  I’m saving the OT for a family vacation to Costa Rica.  Therefore the Spanish flavor to the project.  At this rate, I’ll be able to upgrade to Madrid (if I survive).

Suppose I ought to get a passport…


Posted in technology | Tagged

Strike out

This morning after working a long week including over thirty hours overtime, I sat in front of the computer again.  I needed a break, so I Googled the local reduced-price movie house and glanced at the show times.  The Ides of March was playing at 10.  It was 9:40 a.m.  I was hoping to get a glimpse of Ryan Gosling’s abs again like I had in Crazy Stupid Love.  Photoshopped or not, it was worth the peek.  “Quick,” I said to Couponman, who’s always up for a bargain.  “Let’s make the 10 a.m. movie.  It’s only playing one time today.” 

“I need to shower,” he said.

“Don’t worry,” I said.  “I’m just going to throw a coat over my pajamas.”  I love winter.  Coats hide a myriad of things.  “We’ll be in the dark.  No one will notice.  Who’s going to be at the movies at that time of the day anyway?” 

Couponman’s a good sport.  Isn’t that what marriage is all about?  We both threw on hoodies under our coats.  Another good cover-up.  I’m a “spur of the moment” kind of gal.  “The only one besides you who’s always available for my short notice adventures,” I said to Couponman, “is Hot Wheelz.”

“Yeah,” he answered.  “But with an attitude.”  We laughed. 

We raced to the ticket window, minutes after the starting time, in time for the previews.  “Two for Ides of March,” Couponman announced.  Considering it was raining, we didn’t look noticeably grungy.

“That show doesn’t begin until ten o’clock tonight,” said the ticket taker. 

Couponman flashed a scowl at me.  His silver five o’clock-and-then-some shadow glared in my eyes.  “Well, let’s make the most it,” he said.  “Let’s stop at Chick Filet and get a free sandwich.”

“How’s it’s free?” I asked.

“They have a rainy day promotion.  When it rains, the sandwich is free.”  At the order counter, we were told the special had just ended in December. 

“Funny,” I said, “they stop the rainy day special during the rainy season.”

“Well, we’re 0 for 2,” he said.

Considering I didn’t get to see a shirted or shirtless Ryan Gosling, I say that’s 0 for 3.


Posted in leisure, marriage | Tagged

The bouncer

The other night I was invited to play laser tag.  Well, that’s a stretch.  I got invited to babysit the kids too young to enjoy laser tag.  I thought back on the last time, during the Christmas holiday when all the family was here.  We had played laser tag then, too.  I’d scored higher than I expected, not because of my laser prowess, but because I’d taken advantage of the young and infirmed.  Well, young anyway.  Almost all my points were from shooting the six-year-old Worm.  Not to mention, in the back.  I hadn’t set out to destroy her; I was simply shooting at anyone who couldn’t run faster than me.  The GAP, her mom, gasped and did the wavy finger thing at me when I’d shown her my score card. 

Bouncy ballNeedless to say, the other night, I was relegated to the outside looking in.  A familiar and comfortable place for me anyway.  A bouncy ball was left for the young ones’ entertainment, but the Mouse’s legs too short.  “Ya Ya,” he’d yelled.  I picked him up by the back of his britches, held onto his hands over the rubber handle and away he bounced.  “Ya Ya,” he’d beckon, every time I tried to attend to something else.

Then we played air hockey – a five-year-old, a three-year-old, the nearly two-year-old beckoning one, and me, the one whose age dramatically surpasses the sum total of all the other players.  The five-year-old was a little too cocky when the yellow puck rolled into the goal protected by the two and three year olds, guided by an aging, but still competitive grandma.  I held the Mouse up table-height as he swatted the disk.  But my side of the table was no competition for the five-year-old.  Every time he scored, he’d yell, throw his arms up, and give a kind of smug look.  I couldn’t let it go on.  I sat the Mouse down and batted the puck in the opposing goal at lightening speed.  The five-year-old watched it go by in a daze.  No one would have to know except Nina, my fellow spectator.  But she thought he deserved it, too.


Posted in entertainment, grandchildren | Tagged

Bladder buddies

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I said to Lisa.  We’d run into each other several times lately at the stalls.  She’s expecting a baby; I’m old.  That’s probably all the information you need.  “You take the large stall,” I said graciously.  “That way you’ll be able to turn around,” I laughed.  She wasn’t really that big yet, but I love to kid.

“I need the big stall because it takes me five minutes to get back into this skirt,” she said, “and the back isn’t even zipped closed.”  Lisa and I were more alike than I thought.  “My skirt isn’t zipped all the way up either,” I admitted.  I’m still carrying baby fat and my youngest isn’t young. 

I’d gained seventy-seven pounds carrying Coco.  A new employee had asked if I was due any day, and I was only six months pregnant.  Even maternity pants slid down my belly.  She’d been born with a crease down her chest from squeezing through the birth canal.

Within a few hours, we were meeting again.  Every two hours like clockwork. 

Today I conducted an all-day training session.  Lisa was there.  Every few hours, we’d break and Lisa and I would head for…  you guessed it.  Only after one short break, the urge returned.  “I’ve got to..” I said.

“Me, too,” laughed Lisa.  “I was trying to hold it, because we’d just gone and I figured I was the only one.”

“I’ve got to go, too,” chimed in Emily.  She’s not old or pregnant, but a good empathizer.

Renee said she didn’t have to go, but we talked her into it any way.  This post would be longer, but I’ve got to run to…  :-)

 


Posted in age, friends, humor | Tagged

The more things change

The more they stay the same…

Friday night my youngest grandson, now twenty-three months old and still non-verbal, pushed me away when I tried to cuddle him to sleep.  He wanted to lie down on his own.  Just like most relationships, the closeness gives way too soon to newly found independence.

I wasn’t ready for that change.  The Worm understood.

Last week the bedroom first occupied by my oldest grandson was being transformed into a forest complete with tree, butterflies, and flowers.  Long ago her mom’s room had been filled with hand-painted daisies on yellow window boxes, matching yellow daisy tie quilts.  Now the quilts sit in my linen closet.  The matching doll quilts are in the garage rafters.

Wallace and Gromit sheepJust eight years ago the GAP and I had painted brushstroke by brushstroke a border of Wallace and Gromit sheep around a blue nursery for the firstborn grandchild.  Those sheep had lovingly watched over the Bug, now the Worm and the Mouse.  The Bug had moved onto another room, again hand-painted by Mom and Grandma, to resemble castle walls.  Now the Worm was going to have her room redecorated.  Tearfully she gave way to change.  Almost change.  The GAP promised to keep two sheep behind the door for reminiscent purposes.

Castle bedroomEach child is too quickly leaving childhood behind.  The Worm has outgrown the title of “messiest girl in the world.”  However, after a few minutes of turning the watch of the two-year-old Mouse over to the six-year-old Worm, he now might be deemed the messiest child in the world, complete with green hands and face, and an empty permanent marker.  The real problem about green was that it made it difficult to tell him apart from the turtle.  Maybe change is merely a delicate balance — a constant, as it were.

Green babyThe Worm hopped on my lap, and said, “Do that thing where you tell me to stop wiggling.”  I bounced her around on my knees, saying, “Stop that wiggling.  You are in so much trouble.  You’ve got to stop bouncing…” 

And she laughed like she has since she was a baby, saying, “Grandma, it’s not me.  It’s you.  You’re making me bounce.”


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Fearful bravery

Last night after paying for ridiculously over-priced tickets at the Hollywood ArcLight Cinema, appropriately four friends sat on the second row of the lavishly-decorated theater.  The close seats would not have been our first choice, but the film’s title had instructed us to view, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.   The adverb-heavy movie took one young boy on a journey of facing his fears after his father’s tragic death in the Twin Towers on that terror-ridden 9/11 morning in 2001. 

Just that morning after a sleepover with the grandkids, we’d taken a walk to a nearby grammar school doubling as a park.  The two older ones had run down to the playground toys.  The normally silent, nearly two-year-old, stood at the peak of a small slope and squealed.  “He doesn’t do slopes,” the eight-year-old Bug informed me.  I already knew that.  He stands at the top of the stairs and yells until someone comes to walk him down.

“Come on,” I’d called to him.  He didn’t move and continued to holler loudly.  “Come on.  Run,” I’d coaxed lovingly.  He started moving, gaining momentum as his diminutive limbs picked up speed.  He stopped just shy of the low retaining wall around the playground yard.  “Climb down,” I’d instructed.  After a few more whines, he turned around and gingerly backed one leg over the wall, then the other.  His feet literally dangled inches from the pavement below, but he couldn’t see.  He faced backwards, hanging onto the wall and would not let go. 

Hanging on the wallThat’s when the Bug said, “Grandma, everyone’s gotta face his fears.”  Just as in the movie touting oxymorons, virtual reality is more than facing fears, it is also about a mother’s love.  I’d laughed and rushed to the baby, picked him up, and placed him on level ground.  He had faced enough of his fears.  Now he needed a little help.

Tire swing prayerIt was a morning of bravely looking fear in its eyes.  The Bug, against his cautious judgment, maybe praying a bit, allowed himself to be pushed to new heights on a tire swing.  The Worm, who seemingly has no fears, except for zombies, hung upside down after one quick lesson.  And the little Mouse hung on his own, with close supervision, from a bar high overhead.  Grandma, that would be me, honestly tried to do a pull-up, but nothing moved up.  After fifty, down is the only direction my body seems to know.

 Hanging on for dear life  Hanging upside down  Tire swing

View from upside downLife is full of oxymorons.  The world looks very different upside down.

SPOILER:  And just as in the afternoon of play, the plot was about a mother’s love — what she was willing to do, even during her time of grief.  “I’ve never left you alone.  I knew where you were every minute.”  Me, too.  To my children, I will always be there.  I’ve always known where they were, except for the times when I didn’t.  :-)

 


Posted in children, grandchildren, leisure | Tagged ,

C-sick computer

Last week my color laser printer stopped doing just that…  printing.  I had been attracted by all the bells and whistles, but I’d failed to factor into the price of laser cartridges for my lightweight, versatile absolutely DEPLORABLE Xerox printer.  I couldn’t take it.  I picked up the printer and shook it.  The door flipped open and the printer SOL (not what you are thinking – screamed out loud).

Although with Couponman unable to print his, you guessed it, Coupons, I was saving forests and potentially my retirement. 

I’m working on four virtual computers these days.  Just a few months ago, Mike placed an unplugged computer under my desk because I couldn’t understand how I could work on a machine existing in space.  And now what do you know I’m printing to a virtual printer…

The techs at the office named my virtuals Win764Off10a, Win764Off10b, Win764Off10c and Win764Off10d.  In my co-worker’s mind, that should be easy to remember Windows 7, 64 bit, Microsoft Office 2010…  You get the picture.  I suggested the technician naming the computers throw in a few more characters.  Well, A is the prototype, and B is for my boss, I’ve already broken C, and D is mine.  So when Georges wanted to get his hands dirty in the new rollout, I suggested C.  “But C is sick,” I heard.  “Work on A.”

“Not until we back it up,” Alwin hollared.  “You can work on B, while we take an image of A, but don’t touch C.”

Shoe under a computerIn the meantime, during a friendly lunchtime stroll, the rubber from my walking shoes disengaged from the sole of the shoe.  After dousing the sole with Gorilla glue, I needed to apply weight.  I know, you’re thinking, “Put the shoe on.  That’ll apply enough weight,” but I’d tried and the toe wasn’t flat enough to grab.  Mike would be proud.  I used the unplugged computer under my desk.  It takes a woman to make any instrument a useful tool.

Absolutely, no one will think this is funny unless you are in I.T.  And we thought it was hilarious.


Posted in technology | Tagged ,

Surrounded by super heroes

If you were to meet someone wearing a Pampers diaper on her head or another calling herself Hollowhead, you might not think of them as super heroes.  But I do.

Captain UnderwearSandie, my stalwart sister-in-law, better known as Captain Underpants, is recovering from “elective” brain surgery to correct a botched surgery and five subsequent emergency surgeries.  A new neurosurgeon, with super hero skills, yesterday successfully removed an unnecessary shunt used to cover-up what the less-than-super-hero doctor could not fix.  Sandie actually chose to marry into my family.  My mom used to say, “It’s easier being a Lang, than being married to one.”  Putting up with anyone from my family is immediate super hero status. 

Association with the Langs may have made her a little strange.  This past Sunday we were driving to the desert to visit my brother Tim.  “I need to see how the chicken is,” she said, opening her purse and sticking her head practically inside.  If there’s a choice of what can be pulled from a purse, my choice would not be a chicken.  Ah, alas, I forgot she is a mother of five.  She was pulling out her cell phone to call home to see how a new recipe she’d left for their enjoyment had turned out.

Hollowhead, my sister, aka Holly, is another super hero.  She hates the computer and is a horrible typist.  When she decided to get back into the dating field, she joined an on-line service.  The registration form proved too much for her.  “Pick a password,” it instructed.  She tried a bunch of words, and they were taken.  Out of frustration, she entered Hollowhead.  She figured no one would have taken that one, and she was right.  The problem — it really wasn’t a password, it was her screen name.  Needless to say, she didn’t get many responses to her profile.

The same day as Sandie’s surgery, Hollowhead, returned from the oncology gynecologist (again say that fast five times) with a clean bill of health.  No more cancer.  Maybe Hollowcervix would be a better screen name.  “Did he take a scan or a test?” I asked.  “Is that how he knew?”

“No, he just said, ‘I think you’re good.’”

“What!” I exclaimed.  “He’s a doctor and he thinks you’re good.  After cancer, shouldn’t he be more certain like maybe really know the tumor is gone.  What happens if you go back in three months and there’s cancer?  What does he say then, ‘Whoops, I guess I was wrong.’  Next time you see him, you say your sister wants definitive proof.”

So she did.  She’s a super hero because she listened to her big sister.  Actually it’s because she survived cancer, continued to work during her radiation and chemotherapy, and never whined or complained. 

There’s also Kim.  Some super heroes don’t need super hero names.  You see them and you know they are super heroes.  She’s had advanced MS for years, and she laughs about it.  “You should be mad,” her kids tell her.  “Why would I want to be mad,” she answers back.  “If I were angry no one would want to be around me.”  Maybe that’s why I like to be around her.  Or maybe it’s because when Kim, Laurel, Sue (Sue is 95 and only has one tooth — just in case you’re interested, it points south) and I watched football the other night — the Detroit Lions against the New Orleans Saints, she rooted for the Lions with me.  I’m always going to root for the down and out, and you can’t get much more down and out than in Detroit.  Kim followed suit, even though she likes Drew Brees, the Saints’ quarterback.  Darn, the underdogs lost.  I was hoping for a little joy in the lives of all those unemployed auto workers.  Now I’m gonna have to buy a Ford.

I must include Rebecca.  The super hero from Sunnybrooke Farm.  Even when life doesn’t dish her what she has in mind, she has the super ability to see in rainbow colors.  The first time I met her (before our firstborns had entered kindergarten) a group of gals had got together to see the musical A Chorus Line in downtown Los Angeles.  She wore a bright colorful skirt that flared when she twirled.  Her waist was about as big around as one of my thighs.  She danced down the street, carefree.  She has remained a light in my life.  Her super powers unfortunately don’t transcend to being able to walk and chew gum.  She’s fallen off a table and drove herself to the hospital with a bone practically sticking out through her arm.  She’s slipped on the ice and broke her ankle.  And that’s only a few.

These are the people that shape my life, put a smile on my face, and teach me how to graciously deal with life’s misfortunes.   Who are your super heroes?


Posted in family, friends, health | Tagged ,

Everything I need

“Everything I need I have right here in front of me.”  That’s what I learned from The Muppets movie this weekend.  Actually with my two older grandkids at my side, and the youngest one, the Mouse, on my lap, I already knew that.

That morning I’d knocked on their front door.  I heard surry of little pitter patter to the door, then a soft question from the other side, “Ya Ya?”  Wow, I thought, he even knows my knock. 

“Hi, Maddo” I called through the door.

“Ya,Ya!” echoed back.  Now as a louder whoop and holler resounded throughout the house.  Soon the Bug, the eight year old, opened the door.

We were running late (what’s new), so we were off for the movie theater like a flash.  Well, as fast as a flash can be when a grandma and grandpa have to install a car seat in the back, along with a booster seat for the six-year-old because California laws as of January 1 now say until eight or sixty-pounds.  It’s good the law includes an age category, otherwise the forty-pound six-year-old would be booster-seat-bound until coming of age.

Couponman jumped out to buy tickets (no coupon necessary at the $1 theater) and the two older ones followed.  The youngest in straps whimpered.  “Don’t worry,” I sympathesized, “you’re going to go, too.”

I parked the car and grappled with the hooks, carted the baby in my arms, threw a diaper bag over my shoulder, and ran to the theater.  We both bounced and jiggled as I ran carrying him.  He thought it was funny and laughed. 

The others were seated by the time we opened the door to the movie, and I could not see one thing in front of me.  The younger eyes I carried identified our crowd earlier than old eyes could discern, and announced them by name.  “Ro-Ro, Lo-Lo,” I heard and moved cautiously to the aisle.

Soon we were listening to cutesy dialog, catchy tunes, swaying back and forth in our seats, and eating Gummy Bears.  The Worm sang the words to one of her favorite ballads Forget You while hens clucked out the melody. 

The plot has the Muppets staging a comeback.  Kermit tries to convince a movie producer by saying something about the best gift the Muppets bring.  “Children,” said Gonzo. 

“That’s one,” said Kermit.

“Ice cream?” asked another.

“Laughter,” said Kermit to the movie producer.  I agree totally – children, ice cream, and laughter.

On the way home, the Bug said, “Let’s play Muppets.”  It was quickly decided that the Bug should be Beeker, the unknown comic, Couponman should be Cookie Monster, and the Mouse should be Animal (because he can go crazy on cue). 

“Who should I be?” asked the Worm.

“You be Miss Piggy,” suggested the Bug.

“Oh, goody,” she announced without any argument.  “Ill be my third favorite animal.”  She paused a moment, then explained.  “Bacon, you know.”

Of course, everyone knows bacon is the fourth greatest gift.

I wish each of you one or more of the three four gifts.  If you don’t smile from this blog, I’ll be over with a half-gallon of ice cream, because I’m not sharing my grandkids.


Posted in entertainment, grandchildren, humor | Tagged